Internal Expose`

So I've challenged myself to try to start writing blog posts a minimum of twice a week, preferably more. With that kind of requirement there's no telling what kind of breathtakingly fascinating topics are bound to come up. It's sure to be a continuous stream of edge-of-your seat material. Bet on that.

I actually had a particular subject in mind for tonight's offering but now that I'm here - and determined to do this in fifteen minutes or less - it's clear that I'm not in the mood for that post right now. Instead I want to touch on something more personal, while bearing in mind that getting too personal and/or specific is probably a terrible idea in this venue.

Oh look, my clock is ticking...

In each of our lives there will be a few very notable, very defining moments in terms of who we are as individual human beings. I'm talking character here, and values. We all claim to have certain high-minded ideals and principles. It's easy stuff to say, primarily because there are few actual situations that require going beyond the mere words.

The true measure of character comes when our ideals are put to a test that require some concrete, tangible action. We know when this happens because it usually feels like a difficult or conflicting situation, one of those things where deeper down we know what we should do, the only problem is that it's the one thing we really, really don't want to do.

What can make this kind of scenario even more difficult is if nobody will really know one way or the other. Nobody but you. You find yourself rationalizing and playing little mind games with yourself trying to justify taking the easy way out, only to realize what that will mean. It will mean that you don't really believe what you claim to believe, that you can't live up to something that you've long thought was a deep part of who you are.

So what do you do? You have this little battle with yourself that goes on for however long is necessary (if you're fortunate enough to have the luxury of that kind of time) and you make a decision that either exposes you as a fraud or confirms your integrity. To put it another way: you find out what you're made of.

Such has been the kind of incident that I've encountered recently and the outcome was positive. It's probably gone the other way before but this one was a clear victory. But it wasn't one that I can claim solely on my own. Without the right words and the right understanding from a supportive and compassionate spouse, it would have been a fairly gut-wrenching situation for me. (See...getting personal, but not too personal!)

So...thank you supportive spouse if you happen to read this.

Here's the thing. I knew the right answer within seconds. The heart is quicker than the head, but when the head goes to war with the heart...look out! No telling what might happen.

As it is, I feel that I passed the test.

Damnit though. Went a little past my fifteen minutes.